Lost Friend / Empty Hole....

[GMvirtual (Gina)]

I just need to ramble vent a moment....I'm missing my friend today. My smoke. But I'm not missing the taste, the smell or even the cigarette.....just feeling the "hole" that is there....and not having anything satisfactory to "put in" that hole feels weird. I know eventually the hole will reduce itself....it already has quite a bit since I quit 27 days ago......but today and yesterday it almost feels sad....I feel sad. Proud and happy for my quit. Happy about actually feeling I may become mentally a non-smoker as time progresses, I will believe more and more in my "quit". I believe in it now actually - but you know that little voice that says...."Really? are we really quit?" it's a very little voice but the voice of "it's only been a month, don't want to get over excited yet"....that voice! So when that little voice kicks up, and then I notice my "hole" .....I guess it just all comes in waves and I have been frequently in and out of this wave multiple times in the last few days. It almost feels like week one all over again. Nothing has really changed. It's just the missing of the "whatever" that filled the hole. I don't feel like a cigarette.....I just want something to "put" there........It sounds so strange as I am writing and I keep trying to "re-word" it so it makes sense to me. I love to write, typically I can express in words exactly and often in ways other people can't express and this one I can't express. But this "hole".....

People tell me "chew gum", "go for a walk", "read a book".....after reviewing this site it seems those things have really helped other people. To me, I just get really really annoyed when people say that to me. It's like wanting to lie on the white sandy beaches of Hawaii, wanting it desperately and someone says, oh sorry you can't go to Hawaii, but here you can put your feet in my plastic blue pool and lie on this tan dirt instead..........HMMMMM really? Sure that will make me feel better.....you still miss hawaii....

But yet, I don't miss Hawaii....I don't miss the taste, the smell, that's NOT it......I just want something fill it with.....ahhhhh I was hoping to write and find my solution....sometimes just "getting the words" out of my head.....helps me solve it.....but I don't think this hole can be filled. It just must be like living with a scar......it's just there. You learn to love it, appreciate it for what it is........use it for courage....for strength to remember the path, the fear, the loss, the everything struggled to earn that scar.......and that is ok.......but today.....I am just sad about the scar, I am sad about the hole and I just want something to fill it!!

thanks for listening!!! It was calming and helpful to write it out......... can anyone else relate???

[Francine]

Gina, I think you have done well to get as far as you have in your quit. I understand about the empty hole. Since my dad's death last year, I was especially using it as a crutch to soothe the grief I was feeling, but no more.

So, congrats and keep up the good work!!

[Carol Nordby]

Hi Gina. I'm a writer myself and working on a first book. You write very well yourself!

I'm grateful for this place because I've never sought support before today. Funny, I was in church with my daughter and realized I'm happiest when walking in Christ - close to Him. I'm at peace there. I realize it's not Him, but I feel distant when I'm drinking and smoking - either one. I want to live free of that and decided to do that today. My daughter and I went out to get that patch right after church.

Your term 'friend' is so appropriate. Why? We can have a relationship, at the drop of a hat, with these cigarettes. They removes us from whatever we want to be removed from, Gina. It feels like WE are in control. That cigarette feels as if it's OUR friend, just ours - and that feels special. It's an addiction, and our brains will wrap anything our brains can wrap around the package to make it look good.

I'm going to take a moment and say a prayer for you while you're doing all the other things our friends suggested. I also want you to know that I'm very proud of you. If you haven't slipped up yet see yourself waking up tomorrow feeling good about refraining. If you did slip up - step right back into the next moment as a non-smoker!

Go, girl!

[Lorie]

I can relate to this... I think we ALL can! One of the main reasons you feel this "hole", emptiness, is because our addiction is so much more than just to the nicotine! We are addicted to the crinckling of the ciggerette pack, and to the feel of the ciggy between our fingers, the flick of the lighter, the first drag to light the ciggy, and the feeling of the smoke rolling around the inside of our mouth and down into our lungs and ALL of the ritual of the habit! That is why even though you dont want a ciggy, you still fell emptiness. The first time i quit, i wrote a letter to my pack of ciggies. In it I remenists about all our "good times together". I explained to them, that this was a goodbye letter, detailing all the reasons that i had to let them go. I will tell you this worked for me. Try different things to fill your emptiness, because this can be a relapse trap! Best of luck, stay strong in your quit!

[K]

Lorie that was a great way of putting those nasty things to rest. I have been an ex for a short time (since November 2008) and it is a struggle. I have those empty feelings but I didn't ever think about writing a letter, thanks for that
Karla from NJ

[Angie]

YES I RELATE WAYYYYYYYY TO MUCH. That need to satisfy, that big ugly dark whole that nags and nags. Then weight gain hit, I sure don't want that. So many adjustments to make. Right now it's just easier to sit here, stink, pollute my body, ruin my quit, feel sorry for myself, beat myself up...sound familiar. Don't do it, don't do what I did cuz that hole is still there. It left for a moment, just long enough enough to satisfy that urge. Then it comes back only to rob you again, more this time. Someone once told me, things take time and really now is the time not to smoke. Hold on to that quit with all your might, the whole will grow smaller...in time. Thanks for the post, don't be content to hurt yourself as I am.

[Patricia]

I am with you. The pain of weakness leaving the body is my motto and the thoughts that are, like that yesterday way of life, are ALSO under my control.
How to put the past behind us? How to hold on to the blissful emotional deliciousness that I can create in my head. Maybe none of my friends want to play that game, but that does not mean I have to go through ALL THAT just to be somewhat in "control" and miss directing my time and attention and money to a menace.
I am trying to rustle up my inner heros and streangth so that that moment, and it is coming, when that stress is overwhelming again. When the friends that I do not have around me and the ones that I miss do not want me and that zone of zombiehood seems like it will help.
You are doing great, Gina, you are doing it ...breath in, breath out...and it matters.

[Margie]

I had my last cig 13 days ago and I'm doing 100% cold turkey. I thought I was the only one who knew about the hole. I know the hole holds temptation, power, a force, a sadness and I make my mind run from it. It is dangerous and if anyone knows how to defeat it, please share your wisdom.