What Keeps a Quitter Quit?

[Giulia]

Random Thoughts Nov. 13, 2008

Is this site helping me or hurting me? Am I too connected to my junkie self? Sometimes I wonder.

I’m out raking leaves yesterday, and my neighbor drives by toward his abode and as usual stops. And he says, “Hi,” and I say “Hi,” and I say, “How are ya?” And he says, “Ok.” And he says, “How come every time I see you you’ve got a load of leaves on your back?” (I use a king sized sheet to haul them in.) And I say, “Because I’m rehearsing for playing Santa Claus! No, because it’s that time of year and I don’t wanna wait for the rain because then they become impossibly heavy....”

And as I’m talking I’m looking in his truck and he’s smoking. And sense memory kicked in. (He used to stop by while I was in the garden and we’d sit with cigarettes and chat. And a couple of times he invited me up to take a look at his house after he first moved in, and he’d offer me a cigarette, which I’d happily take.) I see he’s got a separate ashtray sitting there. His truck must not have come with one? And the smoke is filling the cab and he’s exhaling and it all smells great, like everything I want.

I never wanted to stop smoking. I never had any particularly bad side effects. And I just plain liked it. It didn’t solve my problems and I never needed it for stress. I just liked the taste of it. Especially after meals or booze. And first thing in the morning - five in a row as I drank my cup of coffee. That was breakfast.

The scent of that cigarette was overwhelming to me. It smelled SO GOOD. And that’s the way my quit goes. It’s not necessarily the way yours goes. Not the same as those who have acquired what I wish I could - the disgust for the smell. Just ain’t true for me.

So maybe what I have to offer is for those of my ilk - who would love to have second hand fresh smoke blown in their faces. I don’t know - it’s odd. There are times when stale cigarette smoke smells disgusting to me. Like on someone’s breath at the end of a day of smoking. Or a bar at closing time. But most of the time a freshly lit cigarette smells divine.

So, continuing on this long stream of consciousness (hey it may get someone through not just one but several three minute cravings!): Did I then dump my leaves and go get in my car and buy a pack? No. Did I even consider it? No. Did I think how much I would enjoy a puff? Yes. But that didn’t mean I had to fulfill that desire.

So how did I keep my quit? After over 2 years 8 months with a very strong visceral wanting? I just went on raking leaves. I guess that’s the best way I can say it. And after a leaf load or two, it was out of my head entirely. Until now where I am recalling it.

So obviously that moment had a great impact. Because I can still smell that wonderful smell. But I’m not giving up all that I’ve worked so hard for. There are many things that we work for that we have no control over that we lose. But our quits are totally under our own control. (Aren’t they?) Well, with a little help from above and from a lot of friends on a support group.

What kept me from going to the store is what I want to know. And I want to know it for you, Polly, and you, Cliff, and you..... and you... and you...

I just paid it no never mind. Sounds stupid, but it’s true. I just paid that craving no never mind. We all want things we cannot have. In this case we must deny ourselves the thing we CAN have but have chosen not to, because we know better. This for me has become a cannot have.

But I suddenly got a clue as to the mindset that gets you to the store to buy a pack. Because there WAS no mindset during that time. There was simply instinct and brain memory and desire and utter lack of control and discipline in that instant.

As an actress I have studied sense memory. It can enable you to feel an emotion from the past. So I really "get" that part of the addiction. I’ve occasionally used sense memory to re-connect to strong emotions in my life in order to replay them for a character I’m portraying. There are many things that can trigger sense memory. Perhaps one of the strongest is scent. You’ll smell the perfume your mother wore and she comes alive again. Music is another strong one - a song will bring back incredible memories. I don’t know (since I never smoked to alleviate stress), but I would guess that those of you who reach for a cigarette during stressful times - stress becomes a sense memory for you.

So, rambling out loud and trying to figure out why I didn’t relapse and why others do...

I had the sense memory, but I ignored it. I just went on raking the leaves. But I understand now how there is no cognitive recognition of any temperance device. No check. Because when I smelled that smell I was totally overwhelmed. There was no thought of running in and getting on the computer and signing into Ex and all of you. None whatsoever.

When we want it badly enough, we just go get it. Is that it? When that WANT supersedes the desire to quit, are we then lost? Or do we indeed have control?

For all of you relapsers (who've waded all the way to the bottom of this) - I’d like you to weigh in. Is this a conscious decision? To stay quit? Or one we are incapable of having control over when that sense memory washes over us?

What keeps a quitter quit? And I don't wanna hear the same old - no option stuff, because as Polly said to me at one point somewhere, the no option became an option.

--------------------------------------------

Jan. 15th '09 addendum to this. Once again I'm out raking leaves. And once again my smoking neighbor comes by in his truck. We get to gabbing and he spends the ENTIRE time trying to find something to light his cigarette. (The truck doesn't have a lighter or ash tray). First his shirt pocket, then his right pants pocket. Then his left. Then he searches on the passenger seat. Then looks on the floor, back seat, checks all pockets again. It was hilarious and pathetic to me. I remember doing the same thing back when I was a smoker, going NUTS trying to find a pack of matches that I KNEW I had in your car SOMEWHERE. Another Uta Hagen acting class lesson this was in action. Re-creating what happens when you lose something and try to find it. I told him if he just gave the damn things up he wouldn't need a match. He agreed, grinning, and kept searching. What's more frustrating - not being able to find a cigarette, or the match? One without the other and you can't relapse. HA!

[Jules]

I am doing good on my quit so far and will have 30 days tomorrow. But. I vividly remember what happened to me 6 years ago. I had been a non-smoker for 1 year and 9 months. I had finally stopped smoking in my dreams. I rarely thought of them anymore. Once in a while I would have a passing thought that was kind of like a crave without the body response. It was the Christmas season and I had been out at my Dad and Step-mom's house. They smoked inside back then (before they had grandchildren because it was okay to ruin the adult children's lungs with second hand smoke) and I had been breathing it in all day long. I worked a second job at the time as a bartender so this was not my first experience inhaling other people's smokes. I don't know what triggered me that day but I suddenly wanted a smoke very much. I tried to distract myself. I went for a long drive. I became obssesed with smoking. I began to feel a rising sense of anxiety. I finally bought a pack and parked in a church parking lot. I prayed for over an hour in my car, with the pack of smokes unopened in my lap. I began to have a panic attack and started to cry. It was at that point that I lit a smoke. I only had one that day because it made me light headed and sick to my stomach. The next day I had 3 or 4 and then it was off to the races. Took me 6 years to try again. The difference this time...support groups like this one. I did not have that before so suffered inside my own head for a full day before relapsing. Now I have a place to get out of my head and I am very grateful. I have had bad craves in the last 29 days and say "I want a freakin cigarette" but I don't really consider doing it, I am just talking. So, support is the key for me.
Thanks for starting this discussion Giulia. Sorry to be so long winded.

[Giulia]

Thanks for your input, Jules. It's Exactly the kind response I was looking for. We become obsessed. Even an hour of praying didn't keep you safe. And it took six years to get back at it. Maybe if you'd thrown the pack away that day and not had the 3 or 4 the next day.....? We'll never know, will we?

I agree, a support group helps in so many ways.

[Jules]

In response to throwing away the pack and not having the 3 or 4 the next day... once I had the one I felt like a huge failure. I beat the hell out of myself. Since I had no one to talk to about it I just kept on smoking. All my friends were never smokers so did not get the addict issue. And, like you Giulia, I did not have negative side effects then and liked smoking, etc. But the biggest part was feeling like a complete screw up and having the "what the hell, I failed" attitude.

[Adrienne]

For me, relapse = react. When I consciously choose, I do not smoke, I do not relapse. When I mindlessly react out of pattern and habit, I do what I had always done (smoke). I think the biggest thing I've learned in the last 14 smoke free days is to remain present in the moment no matter how swept up the old me would have become in the chaos of it all.

[Carole :)]

"...remain present in the moment..." Well said. :)

[Doreen]

Wow, Giulia. Talk about a deep subject. What keeps me quit? I've been smoke free for around 2½ years. Shortness of breath and fear made me quit. The fear of remembering the day my father died from complications of esophagael cancer (caused by smoking). Walking into the ICU room and seeing him laying flat out on the bed, a tube sticking out of his mouth connected to nothing. His pillow thrown on the floor. The scream of Nooooooo that came from the very pit of my soul. I will never forget that day.

Nor will I forget 2½ years later in another ICU room. My mother connected to a respirator, watching her gag and her eyes rolling in the back of her head when they'd back off on the sedation and say "See? She's awake now." Then when the doctor came in and started talking about moving her to a nursing home because he didn't know if or when she'd ever come off the respirator. Having to enforce her living will. Knowing she would never want to live out her life on life support. Sitting there next to her for the last 3+ hours of her life. Watching her slip away. Foaming at the mouth and nose. Angry knowing she could have stayed with us longer if she had only quit smoking. Angry that it seemed that she loved those damned cigarettes more than she loved us. Angry that now both of my parents were dead as a result of smoking related illnesses.

Then I decided to quit smoking myself. Never wanting my children or grandchildren to ever have to go through what I did. Knowing that I could have still been alive if I'd only quit smoking. So, I quit. Cold turkey. It was hell. And it made me madder every time there was a crave. I was not going to let that damned nicodemon win with me. I never liked the smell of second hand smoke. I hated it when we'd be out to dinner and someone would light up before I'd finished with my meal. I hated the rude ones that would blow their smoke all over the place and it would get on me. I hated cleaning the ashtrays - the way my clothes and hair smelled - the way some people smelled like a walking ashtray. I hated it all.

But, I craved it anyway. Sometimes the crave would be so overwhelming I would question whether I had really quit or was it just my imagination and there were cigarettes around here somewhere. Then I'd come to my senses and remember that I no longer smoke. I AM A NON-SMOKER! The nicodemon had no more control over me!

Oh sure, every once in a while a crave will pass by. But, its fleeting. It doesn't last but a second. And I can breathe. I don't have to clean ashtrays. I don't stink like one either. When I do get short of breath, I am thankful that its not because of smoking. When my RA flares up, it is a reminder that maybe if I'd never smoked I wouldn't have this illness. There's proof that smoking is linked to Rheumatoid Arthritis. I did this to myself. But I won't go back. Never. I won't be a slave to anything anymore. The nicodemon is out of my life for GOOD. And the reminders of the past will keep me quit.

[Giulia]

That's a very sad but powerful reason for keeping a quit, Doreen....the reminders of the past. It never ceases to amaze me how much we can hate the addiction and yet still crave a cigarette at the same time. Thanks for your honesty.

[Diana]

Wow. I (almost always) THINK I love the smell of the cigarettes. You know, I smoked before I was born, in the womb. I was raised with cigarettes streaming all through the house in all the ash trays. I remember both parent's smelling of smoke and I guess, because they were my parents, the associations can feel comforting at times.(sense memory! yeah, that's it) I personally picked up my first cigarette at 5. My babysitter taught me to enhale......(Nice) I have smoked my whole 43 + years....I havent really known life without cigarettes....BUT I am LEARNING... I have DECIDED to. I had multiple strokes 11 years ago with the birth of my last child and I contiued to smoke after I mostly recovered.... OK? Humm. Can you say ADDICTION? Both my parents have smoking related illnesses that are making them suffer & killing them slowly.. (my father still smokes after so many illnesses and warnings... it's unreal to watch) My mother-in-law is fighting small cell lung cancer. (She most likely won't win the battle) My sister in-law got into a fatal head-on reaching for her cigarettes...(she still chooses to smoke.) I have kids who don't deserve going thru a repeat of my experiences with cigarettes. It goes on and on. But I still THINK I like the smell of cigarettes and have thoughts about them maybe making me feel better.... Right........ It is getting me pissed off as I write this. Sorry if I sound like a bitch. I am not. Just MAD at the ADDICTION. It is very MEAN.
I have KNOWLEDGE now. (I didnt know what I didnt know.) I have DECIDED to ACCEPT the ADDICTION I have. I may not like it but I accept and RESPECT it. It's my choice at this point.... (64 days-Cold Turkey this time..;)) I know in my heart now that I dont have to smoke. I am so GRATEFUL for that freedom. I also know I cannot do this on my own. I need the help of my GOD. He speaks thru my day, thru this site, thru YOU. I have to be OPEN, WILLING and HONEST. The ADDICTION won't get better. WE will. IF we dont take nicotine into our body.......... we have a chance.
I went on a tad too much but I hope it helped someone....I get a little emotional still... I think that is a good thing tho.
~Diana

[Jules]

Thanks Diana. I am one person who needed to hear that today. Congrats on your 64 days!

[Giulia]

Oh yeah, Diana, oh yeah. But you didn't go on a tad too much at all. The emotions just show how powerful the addiction is. You're right, the addiction won't get better but WE WILL.

Thank you so much for your post. And congrats on your 64 beautifully free days.

[Debbie]

Thanks Diana I had a tough day today, and I needed to read what you wrote. Thanks so much

[Amy]

Diana, how can I thank you! I always wondered if someone else felt they became a smoker "in the womb". You are an inspiration to me and your words are EXACTLY what I needed to hear. I have to admit I like cigarettes, but I don't want to be a repeat of my dad dying of another stroke after one left him paralyzed for 2 years. I want to be able to run up the three flights of stairs to my apartment. Keep me in your thoughts, please. It's hard, but I know I will be better without them.