What do I really want?

[Sandra]

Ok so this is a whiny discussion and if you can not tolerate a whiner you better leave before reading! I don't whine and complain alot but I have to today. I just came off of a not so fun vacation and I am a little bit pissy about it. This was a Mother/ Daughter trip, my sister and her daughter, me and my daughter, and we went to mine and my sisters hometown to where our Mom was buried in October. It was her birthday last week and so we wanted to put flowers out and celebrate for her that we are moms and daughters! We spent money on airline tickets, hotel, rental car. This was not a cheap trip. Well somehow I hurt my foot last weekend. I don't know how, other than just being too fat maybe. It got worse as the week went on and by the time we landed at our destination I could barely walk. I hobbled everywhere. One of the things planned was a train ride into NYC and a day of shopping. My daughter went with my sister and her daughter, I could not walk. So yeah crappy days for me. Then we take the rental car back to the car rental place before we fly and someone had hit the damn thing and I never noticed! I lost it there in the car rental place, can it get any worse? Yes, our flight was delayed. We almost missed our connector home, Thankfully we made it with no time to spare, me hobbling through the airport on this foot! UGH!!! and on top of it, I have been having some really strong urges. The thing of it is, is that there is an ashtray full of butts on the porch from hubby and son that are long enough to get a good puff going, but as strong as the craves are when I look at that ashtray, thats not what I want. So what is this feeling~ this crave~ this desire for? I am trying to think it through so when and if I ever have it again, I am better prepared for it. I have 90+ days into this quit and I feel as though I can say with certainty I won't smoke today. But this feeling is creepy!! And I have to go to the docs today and because of our HMO I have to go to our family doc first and he will do a referral. This is the same doc I went to two years ago when I wanted to quit smoking and he told me to quit then would be putting me over the edge. I was sooo stressed out from a job I was at, I cried alot when I went in the office. He told me counseling! I never went and and have not been to see him since! SO here I am crying again because of this stupid foot and my lost vacation and for pete's sake, I am in menapause!! If he tells me to seek counseling I am gonna have to tell him off. Ok, thanks for listening!!

[Cindy Wilson]

Please get your hormone levels checked, that could be part of it right there and get that foot checked. Also, I understand what you are saying about the craves; I really don't want to smoke that isn't it, it is like this weird sadness that over takes me, and my body feel strange, is that what you are talking about? I don't have a desire to smoke I just want to feel better and I think that is what you are saying, right? They say that goes too and I will be very glad when it does, it is not everyday, but when it hits it is awful... I'm so sorry your trip didn't go as planned and hope that things get better. Have a serious talk with your doctor and see if he is of any help, I hope so...hang in there ok?

[Leslie]

Sandra, Sandra, Sandra! You have 90+ days into this quit. Tell yourself that again and again. You are doing fantastic! You are so much better off than you were more than 90 days ago. You are cleaning out your lungs, you are breathing clean, you have already reduced your risk of sudden heart attack. You so deserve congratulations! Please be very proud of yourself! You have more days smoke free than I do (58) - I am jealous!

I'm sorry that your trip was not relaxing for you. How difficult to have limped around on that sore foot. I'm glad you are going to the doctors today - find out what's going on w/that foot! You have a lot going on in your life right now. Menopause alone can be difficult.

I'm glad you came here to vent your frustrations. Getting it all off your chest can help. Thats what going to counseling does - gives you a chance to vent. It can help a lot. Plus the counselor can catch you indulging in negative thinking and help you get your thoughts turned around. So think about trying it. If you find the right counselor you might really like it.

Hang in there. Hope your are feeling better today! Let us know how the doc visit goes.
Leslie -

[Sandra]

LOL, Cindy you sound like my sister~ last thing she said to me, GET YOUR HORMONES CHECKED!

[Giulia]

Gee, sorrry I missed this yesterday. So, Sandra, what was the outcome from your doctor visit? If your HMO will allow you to change family docs, have you thought about doing that? Since you don't like the one you currently have? Going to a doctor you don't like is really crummy feeling.

I found strong urges can come along at the threes - three months, six months, 9 months.... I lost a three month quit once. So keep your armour polished. It seems you have a really strong quit going. Even so, those feelings of loss, sadness, desire are gonna happen now and then. We can't smoke for as long and habitually as we did and expect that our entire beings will adjust miraculous overnight. Think about how many times a day for those 37 years you did the same thing for the same reasons. Smoking was so much a part of our days and nights. 90 days is a blink in the eye of that time. And you're gonna feel weird for a while. Like having a leg amputated, they say, it still feels like it's there. We've amputated the habit, but parts of it are still caught in the synapses, the memory cells of our brain. It takes more time than one imagines to get over that part of a quit, I think.

Crying out of frustration and anger is a very healthful venting process, I say. And menopause can make us feel like emotional teenagers all over again. So feel better, you're getting younger! lol

[Sandra]

Plantar fesciitis is the diagnosis of the foot! Anti inflammatories, stretching excercise.
Still waiting to hear from the rental car company.
Ugh! But still not smoking either!

[Giulia]

Ah and oooh, yes I know someone who's had plantar fesciitis and it's quite painful. They have a thing you can wear at night to sleep with that helps keep your foot in a stretched position, which I'm sure you now know about. Do those stretches, they really help.

Good for you for standing strong despite it all and not smoking!

[Sandra]

Thanks! I am looking to the future, I know one day soon I am going to wake up and feel great!!!

[Donna]

Hi Sandra, it looks like you have been very strong in your fight to quit. i hope i am half as strong when i start this friday! when you talked about the counselor i smiled because i'm looking into it. i want to find out why i'd continue to be soooo obsessed to continue a habit that is killing me. Actually, i've several questions to figure out and believe it will help to have guidance through the process as i kick, scream and cry. i've gone through menopause and but for the grace of God i didn't kill anyone while going through it! LOL. i went to a smoke cessation counselor yesterday and she gave me this site so the session helped me already. i figure life's going to happen and recovery and i'll whine too and that seems to be why this site is here for support. if you've got 90+ days i congratulate you. it's 90+ more than i have. i believe the strange feelings will leave after awhile and that our body's will need to adjust. as for menopause , this too shall pass! eat healthy it helps with the hormones. you asked yourself a question in your post why not try answering it? what is this desire or feeling? i use smokes to stuff feelings or avoid them so i guess i'll need to whine sometimes and cry too. that just shows your resolve! as for the dr most don't understand the feelings with menopause and would if they had to go through it. keep posting and tell us how you're feeling! i'm sorry your trip didn't go as you planned and hope your foot is better. take care