The Grieving Trap

[Giulia]

(photo credit)


You've lost someone you love. Your mother, father, favorite aunt. It might be your best friend, your lover, your spouse. A brother in more ways than one, a grandmother, a pet. There is no one who can replace this person in your life. They knew you in a way no one else could or ever will. You were as unique to them as they to you. You're heart has a hole in it and you don't think it will ever mend.

Smoking will not mend it.

You may feel at this moment that you don't give a damn about anything any more. That life has lost it's meaning and all it's joy. Thoughts may come like this: "Who cares if I smoke? I don't want to particularly live now anyway. There's nothing to live FOR any more."

Yes there is - and it's not smoking.

This is a time of the biggest excuse you'll probably ever have. Everybody will forgive you if you take a cigarette or two now. You're in a weakened state, you're vulnerable, it's understandable, after all.

No - it's not. And because you are in a weakened state and vulnerable you MUST BE ON YOUR GUARD. The alarm bells will be ringing but you won't hear them. You'll be blind, deaf and dumb. And you'll think - well I'll just have one to get me through this.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS ONE. AND YOU KNOW IT. DON'T KID YOURSELF.

So - be prepared. Protect your quit at all costs. Think about how you will respond when such an event occurs. And keep this in mind: do you really want to start all over again? With the withdrawals? With the fear, with the constant whispering in your head. Every day away from your smoking self is a day closer to the forgetting of your smoking self.

Keep your quit. It's very precious....to you and to those who love you.

[Giulia]

No excuses = everlasting quit.

[Jules]

Grief is a powerful thing and heartbreak takes all the good behaviors, all the resolve out and in comes old "comfort" behaviors. It does not matter if those behaviors are bad for you. What matters is feeling someway other then the way you feel right now. Sometimes the grief seems like it will kill you or make you go insane. Tonight I keep crying over nothing. And at one point I thought I will just go have a smoke before I consciously realized I don't smoke anymore. That is the first time since I quit that I had that experience. I have had craves that were in the fore front and dealt with them. The Holiday's are making this grief all that much more present. It is not my first Holiday season since my Significant Other died but last year they came so soon after her death that I was still numb and so grief stricken I just sort of stumbled through. This year I am in a different place. Other people are done remembering that I am a new widow, still grieving and all that. They are nice if I bring it up, of course, but my old comfort things are not available anymore. I don't smoke! I am cutting out excess sugar. I am just trying to stay present in the emotions. But nights alone at home are the hardest. And all the Holiday commercials with the happy families are just getting on my last nerve. So, I won't smoke. I don't smoke. And I am and will continue to be a success. I will just be a sad success sometimes. Thanks for listening.

[Giulia]

I will just be a sad success sometimes????????? Oh, my dear sweet one, no. Do not think of yourself in those terms. I know...oh, I know. We feel too much. It all hurts too much. Because we love and care too much. And is this a bad thing? Yeah. For us, it is. But for us it is just - what's so.

But grief not need take all the old resolve out. Grief can make a new resolve. Grief can make us want to live to be around to tell the tale and love of those who are not with us.

Actually this is all bullshit. But if we don't try, we won't succeed. And we must keep trying. Else we give up and fall into a puddle of despair.

I fight that puddle all the time. But I have no delusions that cigarettes will suck it up. Ya know?

[Jules]

Yeah I do know. Funny how it seems the opposite, huh? But this too shall pass just like the happy times will pass, such is the rhythm of life! Thanks for the sweet words none the less.

[Lori Castady]

Everything you said is exactly how I feel, just didn't know how to express. Thanks

[Giulia]

Hello Lori. Glad you've here.

Ya know, grief can be very debilitating in more ways than one. It can paralyze us or make us angry, weaken our resolve because of our need to replace the grief with something, ANYTHING, and cloud our vision.

Keeping busy doesn't always work to stave off the pangs of our cravings. That's why we need as many methods as possible to keep us from relapsing. Smoking will not replace the loss, nor the loneliness, nor abate the grieving process. Don't for a minute fall for that trap, because it's just a lie that the addiction whispers in our ears.

Bottom line is, you can't replace the loss. The heart has been rent and a cigarette isn't going to heal the wound. Only time. And sometimes even time won't. Just like we have to accept the fact that we may have cravings now and then throughout our non smoking years, we must accept the pain of our loss. As much as our cravings show the depth of our addiction, our loss shows the depth of our love.

Hold tight. It's all right to grieve. It's not all right to smoke.

[Jules]

Good reminder for me today Giulia. Glad you are here Lori.

Today is me and Shannon's anniversary and as with all anniversary times, I am feeling sad and lonely. The weekend was hard with me acting cranky to others and thinking too many thoughts of smoking. It will be 6 months since I quit this coming Saturday and I nearly did not make it and all because I let myself spiral down the dirty addiction path. I know that cigarettes won't help. I sure did use them after Shannon died though and it was often the only thing I had to look forward to. Now I have to fully face all the grief and it is harder some days then others. If I remember to reach out to support groups I do better and the cravings last a shorter time.

[Giulia]

That's the key, isn't it, Jules - remembering to reach out when our hearts are swamped. Because sometimes we're just overwhelmed and forget that there are others out here to help pull us through.

[Jules]

That's it Giulia. Often a kind word or a kick in the butt change everything. I appreciate your support!

[Diana]

You hang tough Jules! 28 days. I remember. the first 50 days are very hard. Gratatude always helps when I am sad. Be grateful you have fingers to type with.. (or are you using your toes..??If so you're very talented) Anyway, my point is we gotta stay grateful.. write a gratitude list. 10 thing to be happy for. Even it it's just having toilet paper. Ya know? It helps. It really does.
Good grief is healthy but not when it hurts you inside and out. Gotta live.
Dont smoke and we have a chance.

[Jules]

Thanks Diana. I have worked hard to be fully present in my grief and have not had any unbearable grief since it first happened. Quitting smoking sure has given me the opportunity to feel my emotions longer :-) I used to cry and journal for a while then have a smoke and be done. Now I am done when I am done. Progress eh? 30 days smoke free tomorrow! Ye Ha.

[Denise28]

Thanks! Definitely need this today.