Replay the Relapse

[Giulia]

Before you buy that pack, replay in your mind your last relapse. Or if you haven't yet relapsed imagine what it will be like when you do.


"My mind tells me I want to smoke....so I get my purse.....get my car keys (or if I’m out in the car I go to a gas station)....I walk in....I’m already feeling guilty....but my craving is taking hold of me....I ask for a pack of Marlboro Lights Box...there’s a little angel on my shoulder tapping me....I don’t feel good about asking for a pack....but I want it...asking for a pack - saying those words makes me know I’m about to fail....but I think I will just smoke one....but I secretly know if I do, I will smoke the whole pack...one part of me is screaming not to...the other part is simply a gut reaction that has no basis in choosing....it’s simply a want...but it’s screaming louder...the pack is presented to me...I put the money down...and take the pack...I unwrap it on the way to the car...because I can’t wait...I put the wrapper in my pocket because I don’t want my husband to see it...I’ll throw it out later..I turn the car on auxiliary and open the window because a car closed up full of smoke is unpleasant...I am no longer thinking, I no longer feel the angel’s tap...it is just feeling...I have lost all control...I take a match from my visor which I’ve left there and light the cigarette...and inhale - gently...because I know that I haven’t smoked in a while and it will seem harsh...and ah God it tastes good...well, perhaps not as good as it was, it is a bit harsh and does make me a little dizzy...oh and slightly nauseous...but I know that will pass soon enough...and by the end of the cigarette, which I smoke down to practically nothing but the filter, I’ve gotten used to it again...what doesn’t occur to me is that I’m now hooked again...that that’s all it took...I think - that’s it, I’m only smoking this one...and then I get home having secreted the pack somewhere in my purse...and I know it’s there...and it starts calling me like a Siren, niggling at my mind...and you all know the rest of the story....".



Or - the scenario I prefer to imagine:

"My mind tells me I want to smoke...so I get my purse...drive to a gas station...walk in...ask for pack of Marlboro Lights Box and at that moment alarm bells start going off in my head...you can’t do this...DON’T do this. You Don’t want to have To Go Through the QUITTING PROCESS ALL OVER AGAIN...YOU DON’T WANT ANOTHER DAY ONE...and as the guy behind the counter is turning back to me with the pack in his hand I literally run out of the place....I get in my car...close the door...and sit there breathing hard because I almost blew it...I was that close...I was that close...and my heart is beating so fast...and I’m gulping air...and I’ve got goose bumps all over my body because adrenaline is pumping through my cells...and I’m not even thinking...just feeling...until slowly it all subsides and thought process comes back and I realize I did it...somehow I did it...I didn’t buy the cigarettes...and I’m rather amazed and a little light headed...and I drive off in wonder with my mouth slightly open....and then remember to thank the little angel on my shoulder...."

[Giulia]

This is the be all and end all of Replay the Relapse stories. It's been repeated all in two other areas of this site. Obviously it hits buttons. Heed it. Oh please - heed it.

Those were my wifes stats had she not fallen. Why did she lose her quit.....it really doesn't matter. Could it have been avoided? Who knows. I posted the following for a good friend of mine earlier today and felt that everyone should read it. Here goes:

Picture yourself a second or two after you stub out that quit-breaking cigarette. The one that you just had to have because the craving was so strong you couldn't hold out any longer, when that voice inside you was saying.. "Go on, life sucks, you may as well smoke a cig.. y'know for your nerves.." or the other one.. "you've got this beat now.. you are in control.. you can have one just now and again.. go on have one for old time's sake.." So you bum a cigarette, and smoke it and in 2 and 1/2 minutes, you stub it out.

Now what. Your mouth feels like crap. Your lungs are tightening up. You managed to stifle the coughs .. but barely. You began to squint again because the smoke hurt your eyes. and your fingers and clothes smell again. You either want to throw up, grab some mouthwash, take a shower, or have another.. maybe buy a pack.

But then you realize what you've just done. After all those times when you said you were going to quit, and then when you finally did, and your family and friends were so happy for you - but not exactly over the moon, because after all they've been hopeful before only to see you relapse - all that enthusiasm is now smashed to pieces on the floor. And all the pressure that drove you to grab that cigarette in the first place - it's all still there. Nothing has changed, except now you've added one more problem: you just blew it.

And then you realize what you've really done. You had invested days, maybe weeks and months, in this quit. You had made a great decision, one of the few things you really and truly felt proud of in your life, and you just blew it. You just blew the quit that you swore to yourself was the last one. You were so positive, so motivated, and encouraged, you were really on top of it, ahead of the game for once, you had taken control of your life and it felt like a whole new beginning.. and you just blew it.

You look at that stub in the ashtray. The grey ash and the brown edge to the burnt paper, and the tar stain on the end of filter. You remember the thousands of cigarettes you have stubbed out and think about the tar that came into your lungs as smoke. And you think if smoking that one cigarette was worth it. Nothing's better. You feel a little dizzy now as the nicotine hits your body, even a little nauseous - certainly don't feel the pleasure that you remember the adverts and billboards were promoting during your early years as a smoker. In fact it's hard to remember any time when you felt that pleasure.. just another tobacco company lie.. They helped you to become an addict the first time, but when you smoked that cigarette after you quit.. well that was a whole new decision. You made that one all by yourself - there's no pointing fingers now, you know that cigarettes kill, so when you lit that one cigarette, the choice to smoke was all yours - no-one else to blame. And you just blew it.

It wasn't worth it.. time after time the slippers' and relapsers' lament how they feel like crap, how ashamed they are, how they have lost confidence and hope, how they hate themselves, how much it hurts, how depressed and they cry and hide and cry some more. And now you are one of them.. the quit losers. Lost in the wilderness, not quite a smoker.. yet and not sure you are a quitter, searching for some dignity, some self-respect out of this. All because of that one cigarette. Because you blew it.

OK, time to come back.. thankfully this was a "Picture yourself..." so none of this really happened. You didn't smoke that cigarette, and your quit is intact. You take a deep breath and you can still fill your lungs without breaking down into a hacking cough. You can smile, because you are still in control. The craving passes and you can shake your head a little and give yourself a little pat on the back at your success. You remained true the promise you made to yourself on day one. Because none of this really happened.

Did it ?

Author Unknown

[Ben]

This thread is spot on. This is a thread that stuck out in my mind when I first quit. It describes the fealing and process of relapse perfectly. Been there done that. Almost went there again this past week. Thank you for posting this G

[Melissa]

I wish I would have signed up for this group sooner and read this 2nd post, because it did happen, and I had to start over again after a 58 day quit and 1 1/2 cigarettes! I am staying close to this site, and heeding all of my new friends advise. I want to protect my quit and not throw it away again.

[Leenie]

Oh, yes. Searing recognition when I read your blog, Giulia, describing a relapse. That was mine exactly. After a nine-month quit. Then I went a year and a half before I quit again. 'Seems I'm in good company here - quite a crowd, really. Thanks for writing that. Helps to read it to prepare for the inevitable demon whisperings and to know that there is an alternative scenario.

Leenie

[Giulia]

There's always an alternative scenario - if only we step back and take a deep breath and wait a couple of minutes for a craving to pass. I'm not so sure the demon whisperings will ALWAYS be inevitable, but until I know he has no more power over me, I always have to be prepared. When the idea of smoking a cigarette has totally lost it's desire to me - then I know I am truly free. As long as it remains in the background of conceptual enjoyment in my mind, I must always keep my guard up. And for that reason I suspect that I am one who will always have to keep their guard up. That should tell you all you need to know about my quit. That is - smoking is an ever present danger.

[MLynne]

Last night was the first time I dreamed about smoking. In the dream, my husband (who is 7 weeks quit, I'm 5) was sitting at our table. In front of him was a very dirty ashtray with about six half-smoked cigarettes in it. He had just lit one of the butts and the smell was very alluring to me. I looked at that ash tray, thought "I could smoke one of those short ones. Maybe that wouldn't be so bad." Then I thought, "No, I've worked very hard for this quit and I'm not going to throw it away for one stinking half-smoked butt." Then I woke up! I"m so pleased my subconscious mind is working on this and understanding how important it is to stay quit. Thanks for posting this thread, Guilia, and thank you for all you do on this site. You've been the kind of friend who pulls no punches but is always there to lend support. Blessings!

[Giulia]

That dream was so close to so many realities, it's amazing. I can picture that dirty ashtray with the half smoked cigarettes. There were many times when I was out of cigarettes at night and would smoke the remainders from earlier in the day. I'd pick out the ones which had the most left on them. God. That's desperation. And that's disgusting.

My smoking dreams, interestingly have a totally different bent, usually. Haven't had one in ages, but mine were more in line with finding myself smoking and then realizing I had quit. Like it was a big surprise I had forgotten that I'd quit. But not particularly feeling guilty about it, more thinking, oh well, I can stop again. Yeah. Right. Wishful thinking.

It's so great you two have each other for support in this endeavor. There are so many on here who started out with their spouses as quit buddies and one has taken a fall.

But I pull more punches than you know. There are so many relapsers on here I'd just like to give a swift kick to. But I've learned through my own experience on here that MY way of dealing with quitting is not necessarily another's way. I've seen too many quitters who have blown it, come back, get back up on the horse and become successes. For some people the cold turkey, put 'em down and no excuse method works. For others - they have to learn how to swim by jumping in the pool over and over again. First with the tube, then the flippers, then the water wings, then the....For me, I'll jump in and just start paddling like mad.

But ultimately, once you've gotten to the other side of the pool, the only way to remain free is simply to not put another cigarette in your mouth. No matter what. NO MATTER WHAT. And every single failure I've seen on here is a failure to make that statement - that commitment - the bottom line of a quit. That's the same equation as NOPE (not one puff ever) or any of the other many non smoking acronymns. There simply can be no excuses allowed. If you come up with one - you're still a cigarette junkie.