Replay the Relapse

[Giulia]

Before you buy that pack, replay in your mind your last relapse. Or if you haven't yet relapsed imagine what it will be like when you do.


"My mind tells me I want to smoke....so I get my purse.....get my car keys (or if I’m out in the car I go to a gas station)....I walk in....I’m already feeling guilty....but my craving is taking hold of me....I ask for a pack of Marlboro Lights Box...there’s a little angel on my shoulder tapping me....I don’t feel good about asking for a pack....but I want it...asking for a pack - saying those words makes me know I’m about to fail....but I think I will just smoke one....but I secretly know if I do, I will smoke the whole pack...one part of me is screaming not to...the other part is simply a gut reaction that has no basis in choosing....it’s simply a want...but it’s screaming louder...the pack is presented to me...I put the money down...and take the pack...I unwrap it on the way to the car...because I can’t wait...I put the wrapper in my pocket because I don’t want my husband to see it...I’ll throw it out later..I turn the car on auxiliary and open the window because a car closed up full of smoke is unpleasant...I am no longer thinking, I no longer feel the angel’s tap...it is just feeling...I have lost all control...I take a match from my visor which I’ve left there and light the cigarette...and inhale - gently...because I know that I haven’t smoked in a while and it will seem harsh...and ah God it tastes good...well, perhaps not as good as it was, it is a bit harsh and does make me a little dizzy...oh and slightly nauseous...but I know that will pass soon enough...and by the end of the cigarette, which I smoke down to practically nothing but the filter, I’ve gotten used to it again...what doesn’t occur to me is that I’m now hooked again...that that’s all it took...I think - that’s it, I’m only smoking this one...and then I get home having secreted the pack somewhere in my purse...and I know it’s there...and it starts calling me like a Siren, niggling at my mind...and you all know the rest of the story....".



Or - the scenario I prefer to imagine:

"My mind tells me I want to smoke...so I get my purse...drive to a gas station...walk in...ask for pack of Marlboro Lights Box and at that moment alarm bells start going off in my head...you can’t do this...DON’T do this. You Don’t want to have To Go Through the QUITTING PROCESS ALL OVER AGAIN...YOU DON’T WANT ANOTHER DAY ONE...and as the guy behind the counter is turning back to me with the pack in his hand I literally run out of the place....I get in my car...close the door...and sit there breathing hard because I almost blew it...I was that close...I was that close...and my heart is beating so fast...and I’m gulping air...and I’ve got goose bumps all over my body because adrenaline is pumping through my cells...and I’m not even thinking...just feeling...until slowly it all subsides and thought process comes back and I realize I did it...somehow I did it...I didn’t buy the cigarettes...and I’m rather amazed and a little light headed...and I drive off in wonder with my mouth slightly open....and then remember to thank the little angel on my shoulder...."

[Mike in @lanta]

Thanks for this thread Guilia. We've all been there.

During the first couple of weeks of my quit I would go in to pay for gas & absent-mindedly ask for a box of Marlboro Lights. They actually got paid for a couple of times but I never smoked em. I would have to tear them apart & throw em away right there because stores don't do returns on tobacco.

The times that my urges were strong enough or something triggered my desire I was always at home. I fought em hard & never made that short drive. It would have been easy enough to do & none of you would have known. I would have known though. This support system is great & I wouldn't be 3 years & 9 months quit without it, but when it comes right down to it, we have to face ol Nic alone & pray that we have the education & the strong enough desire to turn him away.

Three years, nine months, three weeks, one day, 7 hours, 22 minutes and 17 seconds. 41739 cigarettes not smoked, saving $7,304.36. Life saved: 20 weeks, 4 days, 22 hours, 15 minutes.

[Rosario]

I enjoyed your description of a relapse because I had one a week ago. Now I have to begin again....

[Giulia]

Take what you've learned and use it well, Roasrio. You are not alone.

Check this out: Relapse and Persistence

[Rosario]

I see Im not alone. Thank you very much..

[Tigs]

Wow...hubby smokes is my problem too...I get through maybe 16 hours, and then I keep failing...how did you DO it? Everyone says make him go outside, but he gets seizures w/o warning...I can imagine the scenario of him having a seizure and falling down the stairs because I made him go outside...I can't risk that...

75 days, and I haven't managed ONE until now...help

[Tigs]

Thanks for the support, I feel the same way as you do, Debbie: its his home too! It is harder for me, but I am NOT going to possibly add a fatal or paralyzing fall on my conscience either. So many have said MAKE him go outside!! I hope being that angry can work when its angry at my own addiction instead of his addiction...because I can't bring myself to make him change himself just because I'm afraid I'll be too spineless to take responsibility for my own actions and decisions.

Yep, hubby smokes in his office. He even has agreed to smoke only in the back area by his computer (my comp is there too, cause its the warmest room). I have chosen to go in there, and mostly its fine.....but when its not, I go get under the nice warm comforter in the bedroom and read, or exercise on the ski machine, or cook, or clean. 13 hours so far, more than 1/2way through day 1! I WILL make it. And then I won't ever have to go through Day 1 again lolol

[Carlie]

A friend told me to read this; and if I had read it before, then read it again !!!
This is a GOOD friend !!!!

I went through a mental tug of war yesterday....that "Just one puff...take the edge off" monster. The nicodemon was CREATING the stress; then offering a way to relieve the stress; make it "all better" !!! I absolutely freaked out !!!

I REFUSE to go thru another Day 1 !!!!
I REFUSE to damage my lungs anymore than I already have !!! Now; they heal !!!
I REFUSE to make my non-smoking husband put up with my smelly hair and clothes !!!
I REFUSE to put myself through the guilt of a relapse !!!
I REFUSE to give up my 43 non-smoking days !!

I KNOW why I am here....this program and the support here works...WE do it....WE are WINNERS !!!
Thanx to ALL of you !!!!!

[Mike in @lanta]

Yaaayyy Carlie! The program & support works but YOU have to work it. Way to kick that ol nicodemon's ash.

[Maureen]

Thank you, This has happened to me over and over again. This time I know that I need to tell myself to listen to the angel, and keep coming back to this site and reading all the advice and taking all the support that I need so that it does not happen again.

[Giulia]

Hey George,

Major congratulations on your month smoke free. At four weeks you're "starting to get out from under" it. "Starting" is the key word here. This addiction can ALWAYS take you by surprise. I've been quit for almost two and a half years and it can still grab me but good every once in a blue moon. And I too look forward to the day when the smell of cigarette smoke seems disgusting. But I don't know if it will ever happen for me. No matter. I will say no to the cravings, no matter what. And that's what you must do to be free of this. I feel as long as I still want one, I'm still vulnerable. And so I must protect my quit at all costs. That's why I created this group. To protect quits.

Real glad you came here instead of going to the store. Real glad.

[John C.]

Great thread, Giulia. I haven't been down that road yet since I stopped, but I had been there in my past relapses. It is refreshing to read over what was pretty much my own experience. It's nice to see the alternative-- do just about anything but taking that one dreadful puff. Just about anything can save one a lot of the hassle, heartache & injury that goes along with the nasty addiction and where that puff leads a person!

I was at CVS last night, and took a good look at my new enemy, the lines of boxes behind the counter. It felt good that I had no inclination to buy one, just a sense of what a mess they could have continued to turn my life into. No matter how lined up and pretty those boxes appear, I will always just see that mess.

Best wishes and prayers for all the people out there who are struggling or have struggled with this addiction! Let me know if there is any way I can help. We can beat it together!!

[RJ]

Replay last relapse:
freedom for 32 months,
stress situation,
thought of "just one",
relapse with just one, and another and another,
depression, sense of failure, loss of pride, accaptance of smoking till death, more depression, health issues, teeth getting loose,
five years of feeding the addiction to the tune of 2 packs or more a day till my wallet screamed,
New Quit, followed by education, success
NTAP NOPE
RJ Free at Last 480 days.