The ANGER Trap

[Giulia]

(photo credit)

When we quit, our emotions come to the fore. The smoke screen that we've been hiding behind is gone. And we are very vulnerable. In some instances like a tingling nerve end. Events that didn't use to upset us, do - now. Probably because we are already in a state of frustration and tension because we're trying to hold ourselves upright and the Whisperer is trying to pull us down. And it takes a lot of energy to stay upright.

But quitting gives us lots of energy. Not only because of the increase in oxygen to our cells, but also because of the energy created by the cravings. We're very volatile, and the slightest spark can cause an eruption.

Anger is a great excuse to light up. Sometimes we get angry with a spouse and just to spite them we blow our quits. "I'll show YOU!" we say. Or we're in a work situation and have been quietly boiling inside for some time, holding it all in, and finally we lose it. And we think the way to get relief is to light up. Or it could be something as simple as being stuck in traffic and there's a jerk in front of you whose head you'd like to tear off. So when you get moving again you stop at the nearest convenience store and..... you know the rest of the story.

Smoking will not solve any of our frustrations. The situation that made us angry will still be present after we light up and blow our quits All it is doing is creating a smoke screen.

So - we must find a way to vent without committing homicide and without inflicting harm upon ourselves by blowing smoke. We must take all that pent up craving energy and expend it in imaginative and positive ways. Journaling is one way to expend thought energy. Exercise and playing sports is a way to expend the physical energy.

Find the tool that works for you to dissipate and defuse the rage inside. Experiment. Discover.

[Giulia]

(This was posted by Lenna in another part of this site. I've moved it here.)

Oh this IS a good one!!! Thank you for opening up this discussion.
I classify myself as a "stress smoker". The first time I quite, I was good for about a month, and then a WELL of anger just kept bubbling to the surface. I could find 10 reasons every day, to really get offended about something, and of course, the first thing I would think was "I could sure use a smoke RIGHT NOW". but I didn't. Instead I went to see my G.P. who also does "family counceling". I did talk therapy for a year and half, and never did pick up a smoke, but I learned that I grew up in an angry home, and I used to react with anger very frequently. My response to that anger, was to quench it with a cigarette. Today, I can honestly say that 75% of the time I do NOT immediately reach for a smoke directly related to getting angry. It's the other 25% I'm still dealing with right now.
(This was written by Lena in another area of this site. I've moved it to here.)

This is a really tough one. I have been able to quit for 2 months, and then I argument with the Ex husband and its the first thing I would do. Although I don't have that trigger, this is not to say there is no confronational or angry situations in my life (less of course). Anger is a natural reaction to certain situations. I guess replacing the reaction with something else...like going for a walk...a looooong walk, or if that's not possible counting to ten, whatever....just NOT smoking. This is a big challenge, because sometime the mind finds all kinds of stupid reasons to get angry just to set up the "excuss" to reach for a smoke. ie: "I was sooooo mad I just had to..

[Erin]

I agree that anger is a tough challenge when it comes to quitting -when I try to quit I usually relapse because of an argument with my boyfriend or just being frustrated with a situation that I can't change. Although I workout almost everyday, it's those moments when I get upset and feel like I need immediate relief. Afterwards, I sometimes wonder if I exaggerated the situation just for an excuse to have a smoke?

[Karen]

I know what you mean about the ``excuse`` thing. I always blame outside influences when I relapse, but I know I started thinking about that smoke waaaay before the trigger. I wanted the trigger to happen to justify the relapse. My smoking friends would never blame me. My non-smoking friends are just disappointed, so I try to keep my dirty little secret. I`ve been ``secret smoking`` since I relapsed about 4 months ago - even my boyfriend who I live with doesn`t know. So I quit, finally, and it`s such a relief. I don`t have to find excuses to go for walks, wash my hands and brush my teeth 20 times a day. And if I get angry - my worst trap - I will go for a walk. Fifteen minutes is usually perfect. By then I feel better and I don`t want to relapse anymore. The old ``look what you made me do!`` when I relapsed because of a fight has become ``I won`t let your crap ruin my quit!`` I`ll stay quit just to spite ``them``!

[Giulia]

Karen! Wow, you've obviously come a long way and learned a lot through this process. I admire your growth. So much self wisdom. Non-smoking friends are just disappointed, smoking friends never blaming. That's so succinct! So true. So...aware.

What's really interesting to me is that you started thinking about the smoke way before the trigger. And that you wanted the trigger to happen to justify the relapse. That's just AMAZING. Not that it happened, but that you were AWARE that it happened. That you not only created the trap, but kept yourself out of it.

I have to figure out how to put this in a more prominent position so that others can plug into it.

Thank you so much for this input, Karen!

[Peter S.]

Once upon a time as a child I was urged to count to ten before exhibiting anger. As a teenager it was much more
sophisticated to reach for a smoke, light it, inhale, exhale, spout a platitude and stay cool. - Abstract of The Anger Trap:
"Find the tool that works for you to dissipate and diffuse the rage inside. Experiment. Discover. " Exercise and hard
work do the trick for me. Hey, guess what ? We, none of us sleep enough. Stop reading this and go to bed. You'll
feel much better in the morning. (to be continued}

[karen]

ok you got me ... Its a good thing my Husband loves me because its like pms x10. He can;'t do anything right not true but i come off that way. so what are some solutions??? I have been walking and some exercising. but it doesn't help alot. this web sight is great.

[Giulia]

Solutions: Uh, get a punching bag? Scream in a pillow? Vacuum with a vengeance? I tend to go for the latter. Crying is a great way to get rid of anger. Any way to vent. Of course boys don't do that. That's left to we women. What do boys do? Tell us, you guys....

So, somehow we have to divert the anger trigger. Transform it into a lamb. Or at least something else that is triggerless. Open for suggestions here.... Tell of your ideas.

[Just Peachy]

how I manage my anger

1. reliase anything I do / say may come back to bite me in the ass.. so never speak / act in ager
2. reconized a long ago most of my anger is selfish, boorish, rude childlike behavior.. I didn't get or things didn't go the way I wanted !!
3. Deep breathing ... and found it's easier to do now thatI'm a non smoker..

In fact made a mental note to see how much BETTER ALL aspects of life are as a non-smoker... now much easier it is to control my words / actions since I learned to control my smoking habit.

4. Applied all the tips to unpleasnt situations where I could as if the unpleasnt situation itself was a " call to smoke" craving welling up inside.

Remembere what drove me back to smoking 8 yrs ago, reconizing my smoking did NOTHING to improve the situation, EXCEPT for my implusive mouth....Which was under MY control..

Now that I've learned to keep my mouth SHUT and really listen to the ones I love I've learned so many things that I never before had the chance to. During the phase where i was learing to listen, what kept me on track then was to strive to treat EVERYONE as tho they were company,, I learned a LOT more that I thought once I learned to keep my big mouth SHUT

[Giulia]

"In fact made a mental note to see how much BETTER ALL aspects of life are as a non-smoker."

Just Peachy, I'm gonna say something here that may not be positive and uplifting for a lot of people. But I'm gonna say it anyway. Because it may help those out there that feel like me. All aspects of my life are NOT better since I stopped smoking. For me there was no GREAT CHANGE for the positive that I could recognize outwardly. My life isn't any better since I stopped smoking. (Although I've saved a HECK of a lot of money!) I don't have more energy. I don't get less colds (I hardly got any to begin with.) My relationships with my family and friends aren't any different. (I didn't use smoking as a smoke screen for my emotions.) My breathing isn't any better (I didn't have problems to start with,) There are only a few minor differences that I'm aware of: no morning phlegm , my singing voice is 70% better, my sense of smell has increased 10 fold. And that's about it. That I'm AWARE of. What I'm unaware of is probably much more significant within this glorious body machine that God gave us. I've come to believe the evils of smoking we 're told about. Not because I've experienced them, but because I know those who have, first hand. Because I've wised up. Just like one has to have faith in God, one has to have faith that what we have "given up" is worth it, even if we haven't experienced the down side. There are many on here who are oxygen dependent, who have COPD, who have all sorts of smoking related diseases. They are here to preserve their LIVES. And still they can't give it up. They smoke through their tracheotomies. That's how desperate this drug makes us.

Let the Anger Trap work FOR us, not against us. Let us use our anger to kill the addiction, to destroy the enemy within, not the perceived enemy without.

[Carlie]

Karen, Karen, Karen...LOL...When I told my husband I was going to quit, he asked how many days he had to make out a will ??? He loves me (good thing) and THIS time I'm making a concerted effort NOT to take things out on him !!! Poor man endured some real crap the last time I tried to quit. I think these are learning lessons, so as we progress, we may learn what NOT to do, as well. Hey ??

[Lauren]

I can completely relate to this 100%. At my job, I am basically the office bitch. I do everything for everyone upon request. I literally get to the point during the day where I feel like I am going to snap on someone and loose my job. Sometimes I feel like I let the situation get the best of me, and it is a great excuse to light up, but all excuses are great. I just need to stop giving into myself - and deal with my anger in a different way. Hmm... I wonder if I could get them to put a punching bag at my desk! :-) LoL I'm working on it, and this is one of my major struggles. Thank you for posting this.

[Erin]

Lauren - I think you hit the head on the nail when you said all excuses are great (to light up). lately I've been great at coming up with excuses to put off my quit day - whether it's anger, stress or not having the tools to quit. I (and I'm sure others) just have to suck it up and quit and stay quit regardless of the excuses we come up with!